I woke up early today feeling utterly anxious about a lot of different things. I happen to feel like that every now & then, specially when i have quite a few pending tasks but zero motivation to do anything.
Since last few days i haven’t been able to sleep or focus on anything, haven’t been able to gather my thoughts either, something that i never had issues with. Everything around me and inside me seems vague, superficial and disheveled. I haven’t felt so uncomfortable inside than i have in the last few days.
My recent trip to India to visit my family is the sole reason of me having to feel so restless. I have usually visited my family every year since i moved overseas and still felt homesick every single time. But this trip was a little different. It was a 2-year long wait to visit my hometown, home country, family and other familiar things. This was the longest I had ever been away from home in my life, and it all happened relatively ineffectually.
We literally counted days & hours before boarding our plane & landing at our homeland. I am not sure if anyone could relate to this feeling but it is beyond any explanation, beyond any words. It was surreal. I was back at home, with the people I love, the places i grew up in, with the things i have owned & everything beyond. The days were short but filled with love & laughter, festivities, home cooked meals, late night conversations and a lot more in between. It finally felt like we were “Home” after 2 long years.
We got back to Ohio a few weeks ago. Three weeks to be precise. Physically i am here as i type this today but mentally i am not! A part of me is still stuck at home and refuses to come back to reality. As i said, i have never felt so restless in life like this time, or may be i did when i moved here 6 years ago but the excitement and anticipation of starting a new life took over my feelings of homesickness.
So yes, i have been experiencing “homesickness” at a very different level this time. Looking back to all these years of visiting my family each & every year, there was aways a process I had to go through before I felt comfortable again, a few days normally. From the moment i say goodbye to landing in a far far away land, i have always felt a little too anxious followed by a little sense of emotional shock. At one moment, i am surrounded by my family, familiar faces, sounds & objects and and in the next moment everything is just gone.
But this very time, it has taken me more than a few weeks to get away with this weird emotion that is beyond homesickness. Its not really about missing home or family but It almost feels like I’d never really been home at all and feeling rather homeless. Everything around me feels new, very unconnected to my thoughts and emotions. One of the reasons i haven’t been able to write something here. I have spent last few days stuck in a strong mental rut that i can’t seem to get out of.
Today i decided to get it out of my system and type away these unfamiliar feelings, which honesty i have been trying to do since last 2 days but just couldn’t for some reason. I still haven’t figured out what will make me feel better but i have decided to keep fighting back.
To be honest, I am not sure what my heart really wants at this point. I have spent some really precious, treasurable moments with my family recently and even though it would never be really enough for my heart, i hope these memories will help me get through the cyclone of thoughts whirling inside me.
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